Why is it so hard?

Hey,

I've been away for a while, life intervening and all that. I'm back because I feel pressed to write about how I'm feeling. Right now I'm finding it so hard. If I'm honest I feel like my relationship is hanging on by a thread. I haven't read my Bible in ages. I haven't done anything.

So what have I been doing??!!

You know, it's so much easier to stick to a path when you isolate yourself from other people and from life going on around you and I've been doing so much less of that. And so I've been caught up in a gust of fun which has just totally caught me off balance.

Imagine going on a diet and then treating yourself to a slice of chocolate cake that you'd almost forgotten the taste of, and before you know it you've pretty much eaten the whole thing.

Imagine getting on a raft and enjoying the ocean around you, then dozing off to sleep and waking up to find out you've drifted far far away.

It's like that.

The cares of this world. I've been enjoying myself, I will admit it, I've had more fun that I've had in a long time. But I've also lost my balance and lost my focus. And it's really hard getting myself motivated to even pick up the compass that's gonna lead me back home.

I wonder, is this how Hansel and Gretel would have felt faced with a big gingerbread house versus a trail of regular old bread crumbs. One sweeter to the lips, the other the bread of life itself.

Oh God help me please! You said to be sober and vigilant and I have been neither! And now I am in perpetual haze. All the things I thought I wanted are seemingly close to my fingertips, but to reach them it seems I would have to let go of your hand, and I don't want to do that.

To live with the possibility of nothing, to live a life of sacrifice oh Lord is what you require, and I want to pay the price. I want to pay the price but I don't know if I have enough in me.

Please help me dear Lord, I know the time draws near. Like Daddy said, it's not long now. It's not long, so please dear Lord help me to hold on, help me to hold on with a firmer, surer grip. Help me to re-find my focus. Help me oh Lord becasue I cannt help myself, and if I don't say another word please accept this as my prayer.

I don't know what else to do